Gratitude – July 26

gratitudequotes7

Today I am conscious of my treasures, I have had a truly lovely day full of them.

Here is my gratitude list for today:

  • This morning a good friend of mine had an art show to sell some of her work.  She’s a very talented abstract painter and I have coveted her beautiful work for a long time.  Today, I was able to buy two of her prints (she was selling her work for ‘love contributions’, so buyers paid what they were able to) that I plan to hang in my office at work.  I can’t wait until Monday to see them on my walls.
  • Another good friend of mine went with me to the art show, and she brought her two lovely teenage daughters with us.  I had so much fun with them!!  My friend is one of my closest confidants, and I always feel comfortable talking to her about everything.  I am grateful for the connection that we share.  I thought that perhaps it might be a little bit difficult for me being around teenage girls when I miss my own daughter so much.  But it didn’t turn out that way at all.  I enjoyed being around girls that age again.  They laughed and talked and sang along to the songs on their iPhones that I had never heard.  It was a happy, lively energy that I have really missed.  I’m so thankful that I stayed in the moment and appreciated it for what is was rather than dwell on my past hurts.
  • After that I went with another of my friends to Michael’s to buy frames for my new prints.  It was my lucky day there!  All of the frames were half-off and I found two that were perfect.  My friend and I had a fun time chatting and hunting for stuff for new craft projects.  Again, I was grateful that I was able to enjoy the time with my friend and stay mindful of the good time I was having.

Bernadette's prints

  • I came home to a nice dinner that Austin made, and spent some time with my stepson before he had to leave to go back to his mom’s.  I love the dinners that the three of have together.  It’s really the only time that we use our dining room table (Austin and I usually eat in the living room while we watch shows) and the conversations, while eventually always turning to something gross – I guess that’s what happens when there are two boys at the table – are more focused and meaningful than the typical ones throughout the weekend.  I really like that, and I am grateful for it.

So, my Saturday was filled with friends, fun, family and beautiful things.  How was yours?

Weekends

HAPPY FRIDAY

I made it through the week.   I can’t even begin to explain how happy I am that it is the weekend.  I love Friday nights because I know that I have two whole days ahead of me to do the things that I love – read, hang out with my husband and stepson, relax, watch the TV shows that I save all week (I call them “my stories”), take naps, visit with my sponsor and do step work, go to church and/or bible study – all of the things that there isn’t time for during the week.  It’s a time for me to recharge physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Weekends are when I am able to do the things that bring me joy and feed my soul.  It’s when I get to slow down and take care of me.

I sure haven’t always felt this way.  It’s crazy because, for the most part, I used to dread the weekends.  I think I started to dislike the weekends when I started drinking alcoholically.  At that time, I knew that I had a problem with booze, but I couldn’t stop drinking no matter what I tried.  So the weekends, when I didn’t have the responsibility, and distraction, of going to work, would end up being just awful.  I would start out trying not to drink, but knowing that I would.  I would eventually get blackout drunk, do dumb and dangerous things, sleep fitfully, and wake up to go through the whole ordeal again.  I was constantly thinking about drinking, planning how to drink without getting caught, actually drunk off my ass, or trying to recover.  It was absolute hell.  So Monday coming around was a little bit of a reprieve.  I knew that I had to go to work, and I had to act like I had it together.  It allowed me to distract myself from the mess that was my life.

When I first got sober, I still hated the weekends.  Again, I had no distraction, so I had plenty of time to wallow in self-pity, guilt and shame.  I had way too much time to think.  And way too much time to feel all of those emotions I drank to get away from.  I was still so happy when Monday came around and I could go to work and pretend that everything was okay, that I was loving sobriety, when, in reality, I wasn’t.

I’m not sure when exactly my aversion to weekends turned around.  I think it happened gradually.  Of course, it didn’t hurt that I met Austin and had someone to spend time with.  But I really think that the shift happened when I began to have a heart change about taking care of myself and letting go of the past.  Until I accepted my past for what it was, and truly believed that I, with God’s help, never had to go back to that way of living, I couldn’t be alone with my thoughts and feelings.

Now, I look forward to the weekends.  I know that I will have time to just be still and to stay present.  I don’t have to deal with the hectic pace of my job, I don’t have to feel like I have to constantly be doing something productive.  I can just be, and that’s a pretty awesome feeling.

I’m off to start my weekend.  I hope you enjoy yours!

This is my Monday now...

This is my Monday now…