Today is my birthday, and birthdays always seem to invite a certain amount of looking back, reminiscing about the past, wondering how I got to where I am…if I’m even where I should be. I have been doing my fair share of thinking this week, leading up to today, about the things that have shaped me into who I am now at 44 years old.
On paper, my life may not look so great. I’m an alcoholic with PTSD, estranged from my family. I’ve been raped, beaten, arrested, to the psych ward and to rehab. I’m sometimes depressed and anxious, and I struggle with self-esteem and self-worth. That doesn’t sound so good, right? It would be easy for me to wallow about all of those things, to think of them as some cosmic curse that I am just destined to endure. But the more I look back, look at now, and look forward, the more I am able to see them as they really are — blessings.
It might be difficult to believe that any of the things I listed above are blessings, but they truly are. The traumas that I suffered, the ones that caused my PTSD, have made me strong. Surviving the big things, has made it easier to make it through the small things. I don’t worry nearly as much as I used to. I have a good track record of making it trough difficult times…why should I question whether I will make it through any of life’s struggles. Don’t get me wrong, I still worry, but when I remind myself that I have been through much worse, and made it to the other side, it gives me comfort.
Becoming an alcoholic was awful. It was a horrible time in my life, and I had many, many dark days. It’s also one of the best things that ever happened to me. I say that because hitting bottom in my alcoholism gave me the opportunity to learn to live life differently. Had I not become an active alcoholic, I would never have taken the time or made the effort to get to know myself. I would never have been as self-aware as I am now. I think I would’ve just muddled through life, never seeing things as they really are, never seeing myself as I really am. My recovery has given me so much. I have learned what unconditional love and true compassion are, and how to give and receive both. I have learned to not judge anyone, that everyone is a work in progress, and that I don’t always know what they are going through. I’ve learned that honesty, forgiveness and acceptance are my friends, not something to hide from as I used to. I’ve learned that I’m not a bad person because of the things that I have done, and that every step forward is proof of that. With all of that, how could I possibly believe that becoming a drunk was a curse and not a blessing?
The biggest blessing that has come out of my life’s challenges is that I have been able to help others. I have been able to tell my story, here on this blog, at 12 step meetings, and in my daily life, and others have heard it, identified, and felt comfort. I love that. It makes all the bad times worth it, and it makes the good times even better.
So today, as I celebrate another year of life, sobriety, and recovery, I am grateful for the life I have had, and I feel blessed.