Holy Cow! It’s been almost two months since I’ve posted! I honestly had no idea it had been that long. Don’t worry, everything is ok, I’m still sober, still working the steps, and doing my best to practice the principles of AA in all of my affairs. I have been working on my word-of-the-year, Connect, and spending more time with friends and family. It’s just been a busy time and I haven’t felt the urge to write for a while. Something has come up though, that I feel like I need to post about.
Since the beginning of the year, with very few, minor exceptions, things have been going really well. In January, my husband started teaching full-time and our income increased by quite a bit. That alleviated so many worries and problems. There is something to be said for not having to worry about one paycheck running out before the next one comes. About a month ago I was able to attend a women’s retreat for forgiveness and healing. It was a wonderful, life-changing experience, and the best part was that two of my closest friends went too. I feel so fortunate to have gone. Then, after months of wanting to move to a bigger, nicer place, the perfect house more or less fell right into our laps! We’re moving in two weeks and we couldn’t be happier. My husband celebrated 5 years of sobriety a few weeks ago, and my sponsee just made one year sober. Life has been so great to me lately! The icing on the cake came unexpectedly earlier this week when a number of my coworkers and I received an email from the powers-that-be saying we were all getting raises, and they were retroactive to January 1st. The only thing that could make things better is if I were to wake up tomorrow morning weighing 25 pounds less!
Now I’m not telling you all of this to brag about my good fortune. There is a real problem with all of this. It scares me. I’m nervous and anxious and I don’t know how to handle things when they are going so well. Crazy, right? At least it makes me feel crazy. I have so many things to be happy about, and here I am waiting for the other shoe to drop! I know how to live when I have to struggle and deal with uncomfortable feelings and difficult situations, sobriety has taught me that. I know how to be mindful and grateful when times are tough. This is the first stretch of time though, when I haven’t had huge (at least in my mind) things to worry about, and it’s hard to accept.
I really thought that I had learned acceptance….boy, did I think that I had learned. When bad things happen, or I have to deal with difficult situations, the first thing I do is remember the Serenity Prayer and move into acceptance about the situation as quickly as I can. I know, from experience, that wallowing in self-pity and worrying about things that I have no control over never improves situations that are out of my hands. But now, when I’m finally experiencing what the 9th step promises talk about, I am having a hard time accepting that it’s for real, and I’m filled with anxiety that something bad is looming right around the corner.
My sponsor suggested that I approach this period of time in the same way that I approach all of the other times, with gratitude and acceptance and with the knowledge that God is working in my life, and that all I have to do is continue to do the next right thing, and then next right thing, and that doing so is living a life of sobriety and recovery. So that’s what I am trying to do. I don’t want to ruin the happiness and joy that I am feeling (yes, I am happy and joyous…just anxious too), by worrying about things that haven’t yet transpired, and that, in reality, probably never will.
Ugh. I guess I am still a work in progress.
Has anyone out there felt like this? I would love to hear what you think about it, and how you have dealt with it. 🙂