Progress, not perfection

Last Wednesday night I wanted to drink. Bad. Really bad.  I didn’t do it, thank God, but for a brief amount of time, I really wanted to.

I wrote a post a few weeks ago about how well things were going, and how that gave me anxiety.  I was waiting for the other shoe to drop…and drop it did. My husband lost his job on Wednesday; the very job that allowed us to move into a nicer, bigger place and get out of our run-down apartment.  This happened 5 days after we moved in.  Five days!  Needless to say, the news on Wednesday put a huge damper on the happiness and fun of organizing and decorating our new home.   The first thing that struck me when he walked in the door when he should’ve been in class teaching was shock.  I didn’t know what to say or do or how to act, my mind was spinning and was full of racing thoughts.  What were we going to do?  How can we afford this house?  Are we going to have to break our lease and move somewhere cheap enough for my salary to afford?  Will it be worse than the last place we lived?  What did my husband do or say at work that changed things from the day before when all was well?  Why is everything falling apart after things have been going so well?  Where is God in all of this?  Why am I being punished?

The thoughts and questions filled my mind….and then, there it was….the thought that I hadn’t had in so long…

I want to drink to make all of this go away.  It worked in the past…it could work again.  The thought both intrigued and scared the hell out of me.

My husband had done a really smart thing.  On his way home from being canned, he called my sponsor.  She got to my house about five minutes before my husband and said something about being in the neighborhood.  I am so glad that she was there when he broke the news to me.  Not because I was really going to drink, I don’t think I was, but because she was there to help me remember all of the reasons that I don’t drink anymore.  Her very presence helped me, as they say in AA, play the tape through to the end. She didn’t have to say anything about it, I was already considering the consequences.  I could toss my two plus years of sobriety down the tubes and go get shit faced, but what would that accomplish?  The job loss would still be there when if I sobered up.  Knowing myself, it would likely end with jail or death, and even if it didn’t that night, I know that those things are just around the corner, because once I start drinking, I can’t stop.  Once the first taste of alcohol hits my lips, I lose the ability to choose what happens next.  It’s a crapshoot, and when it comes right down to it, I don’t want to take the chance.  Even though I knew that I wasn’t going to go buy booze, the fact that in a crisis that was my first thought, was terrifying.  I actively work my program, I talk to my sponsor often, I read and write about recovery, and here I was feeling like I might be back at square one.

As I have thought about it these last few days, though, I’ve realized a couple of things.  First of all, I am not back at square one.  The fact is, I didn’t drink.  I was in a moment of crisis, and I took the time to consider what would happen if I did.  That, clearly, is not square one.  Square one is me avoiding, denying, shutting down, and drowning out my feelings (or at least trying to) with gallons of booze.  Square one is me not caring about anything except changing the way I feel, by any means necessary.  No, this was not square one.  This is an alcoholic, recovery and all, having alcoholic thoughts.  There’s a saying in AA that goes like this:  Birds fly, fish swim, and alcoholics drink.  It’s so true!  And that was my second realization, no matter how far I get from my last drink, I will always be an alcoholic.  I may make progress – I have – and I may be firmly planted in the recovery community, but I will always be an alcoholic.  This is why they say that alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful…it waits…for a weak moment, for a lapse in judgement, for your husband to lose a job.   It will always be there, so I must always be diligent.

I don’t know if you can tell by my little rant, but I was really upset and scared about my reaction to the situation.  I’ve calmed down now though, and the crisis has been downgraded to an inconvenience.  Within 24 hours of losing his job, my husband secured another one.  The pay isn’t quite as good, but it’s somewhere that he worked before and was loved and appreciated, and he is happy to go back.  He doesn’t start for a few weeks, but we’ll muddle through, and things will be alright.  In the last couple of days, we have returned to our normal, mostly happy, somewhat silly selves and have enjoyed working on setting up and unpacking our new house.  My thoughts have shifted from despair to hope, and from fear to taking action.  We are both amazed at our resiliency and how quickly we have recovered from this setback, in the past I would’ve been a big blubbery mess for a long time.   I have a renewed sense of dedication to the program of AA.  It works for me.  It gives me the life I have today.  I am rededicating myself to the program.  And why wouldn’t I?  It not only saved me two and a half years ago, it saved me again last week.


Happiness, good things, and…anxiety?

just be happy

Holy Cow!  It’s been almost two months since I’ve posted!  I honestly had no idea it had been that long.  Don’t worry, everything is ok, I’m still sober, still working the steps, and doing my best to practice the principles of AA in all of my affairs.  I have been working on my word-of-the-year, Connect, and spending more time with friends and family.  It’s just been a busy time and I haven’t felt the urge to write for a while.  Something has come up though, that I feel like I need to post about.

Since the beginning of the year, with very few, minor exceptions, things have been going really well.  In January, my husband started teaching full-time and our income increased by quite a bit.  That alleviated so many worries and problems.  There is something to be said for not having to worry about one paycheck running out before the next one comes.  About a month ago I was able to attend a women’s retreat for forgiveness and healing.  It was a wonderful, life-changing experience, and the best part was that two of my closest friends went too.  I feel so fortunate to have gone.  Then, after months of wanting to move to a bigger, nicer place, the perfect house more or less fell right into our laps!  We’re moving in two weeks and we couldn’t be happier.  My husband celebrated 5 years of sobriety a few weeks ago, and my sponsee just made one year sober.  Life has been so great to me lately!  The icing on the cake came unexpectedly earlier this week when a number of my coworkers and I received an email from the powers-that-be saying we were all getting raises, and they were retroactive to January 1st.  The only thing that could make things better is if I were to wake up tomorrow morning weighing 25 pounds less!

Shoe dropNow I’m not telling you all of this to brag about my good fortune.  There is a real problem with all of this.  It scares me.  I’m nervous and anxious and I don’t know how to handle things when they are going so well.  Crazy, right?  At least it makes me feel crazy.  I have so many things to be happy about, and here I am waiting for the other shoe to drop!  I know how to live when I have to struggle and deal with uncomfortable feelings and difficult situations, sobriety has taught me that.  I know how to be mindful and grateful when times are tough.  This is the first stretch of time though, when I haven’t had huge (at least in my mind) things to worry about, and it’s hard to accept.

I really thought that I had learned acceptance….boy, did I think that I had learned.  When bad things happen, or I have to deal with difficult situations, the first thing I do is remember the Serenity Prayer and move into acceptance about the situation as quickly as I can.  I know, from experience, that wallowing in self-pity and worrying about things that I have no control over never improves situations that are out of my hands.  But now, when I’m finally experiencing what the 9th step promises talk about, I am having a hard time accepting that it’s for real, and I’m filled with anxiety that something bad is looming right around the corner.

My sponsor suggested that I approach this period of time in the same way that I approach all of the other times, with gratitude and acceptance and with the knowledge that God is working in my life, and that all I have to do is continue to do the next right thing, and then next right thing, and that doing so is living a life of sobriety and recovery.  So that’s what I am trying to do.  I don’t want to ruin the happiness and joy that I am feeling (yes, I am happy and joyous…just anxious too), by worrying about things that haven’t yet transpired, and that, in reality, probably never will.

Ugh.  I guess I am still a work in progress.

Has anyone out there felt like this?  I would love to hear what you think about it, and how you have dealt with it.  🙂

9th step promises