I would like a do-over for the month of May. Is that too much to ask? It was a long, horrible, emotional month that I spent doing a whole lot of nothing (when I wasn’t busy being depressed and feeling sorry for myself). I didn’t write much, I didn’t read much, I didn’t declutter anything, I didn’t finish my 4th step, and most of my Healthy Habits that I have been working on went by the wayside. The month started off with my daughter’s 17th birthday, then Mother’s Day, and then her high school graduation, none of which I got to be a part of. In the last six weeks, I have had six friends die (overdose, illnesses, and a car accident), and I am weary. My husband’s 11 month contract for work was up at the end of April, and he hasn’t yet been able to find another job, so financial stresses are creeping back in. And the whole month of May was windy. I hate wind.
All of that being said, I am not looking for sympathy. I’ve given myself quite enough of that, I think. I am, as they say at meetings, ratting myself out. I feel like I have to tell on myself because I haven’t been doing the things that I know I need to do to be healthy. While I have been honest about my feelings of sadness and depression with those closest to me, I haven’t spoken up at meetings, and I haven’t really done anything to deal with my negative emotions, I’ve just been waiting for them to pass. But they haven’t. So consider this post my confession, the short version of my upcoming 5th step.
I’ve realized that I am playing on a slippery slope. I haven’t wanted to drink (thank you, God), but I haven’t exactly been the poster child for sobriety. Last night, after finding out that my friend died in a car accident earlier in the day, I had a drinking dream. I know that many recovering alcoholics have drinking dreams, but I haven’t had one for a very long time. Honestly, it kind of threw me for a loop. What does it mean? Have I become complacent in sobriety? Am I taking for granted that right now I don’t want to drink? Have I chosen to place wallowing in my self-pity above my recovery? I don’t know. Maybe. Probably though, it was just an anxiety dream that followed a really bad day.
What I am choosing to think though, is that it’s a wake-up call for me. I want off the slippery slope and back to my previous, moving-in-the-right-direction, physical and emotional sobriety. That isn’t going to come me if I just continue to wait for bad feelings to pass. I have to get my butt back in gear and do the things that I know work for me. That means more meetings, more writing, and more blog reading. It means that I have to finish my 4th step and work on my healthy habits. It means that I need to remember the things for which I’m grateful. I can’t remember the last time I wrote a gratitude list.
So for June, I’m not going to try a new Healthy Habit. I am going to focus on the habits that fell away during May, and get good at those again. It’s my mulligan for 2014. I know that I can’t really redo May, but I can make June a happier, healthier month.