Right where I need to be

You are here

The other night my husband and I had our friend over for dinner.  Halfway through the meal my husband said, “I was thinking that you should tell our friend your story.”  My response was, “What story?  My AA story?”  Yes, that was what he was talking about.  At first I hesitated…why on earth would I want to do that?  But then I started to think about it.  Our friend is looking to go into the ministry with my husband as we are preparing to plant a church.  The type of people that we are hoping to attract and share the Gospel with are people just like me; people who have been previously unchurched, who have been looking for something to fill the God-shaped void in their heart for much of their lives, but who have tried to fill it up with all of the wrong things.  We would like to show the hopeless, as both my husband and I have been in our lives, the hope that Jesus offers.  So, I thought, if our friend is going to teach and preach to people like me, then maybe me telling my story and him listening to it would be good for both of us.

So I started my story, and I talked, and talked, and talked.  Our friend listened intently, nodding and asking questions occasionally.  Talking about the past and my relationships with both alcohol and God was exhausting.  And exhilarating.  I realized as I was telling my tale, that I really have had a major heart change.  It’s hard for me to even recognize the drunk, lost, angry, hurting person that I was just  a few short years ago.   As I described my old behaviors and feelings, it almost felt like I was talking about someone else.  Surely, the Jami of today wouldn’t do those things, but the Jami of yesterday did.  I had mixed feelings about that too.  On the one hand, it was wonderful to be able to tell my story without the self-loathing and regret that I used to wrap myself up in.  But it also caused me to really think about where I am now.  And then the questions started swirling around in my head:

Am I really that much different than I used to be?

If I’m doing so well, why does my daughter still want nothing to do with me?

Why are there still days that I want to stay in bed all day and isolate?

Why do I still struggle with turning my will over to God?

Why is my first inclination still to avoid difficult situations and conflicts?

Am I really where I should be in my recovery,  after 3 years in the program, and 17 months sober?

 

I felt a little bit of doubt sneaking into my thinking.  It wasn’t a lot, but it was lurking there and causing me to wonder if I was doing this whole sobriety thing right.  Have I really changed?  I know I don’t drink now, but what about my feelings, my values, my beliefs?  Have they really changed that much?

After quite a bit of thought I came up with an answer that I truly believe.  Yes.  That’s it.  Yes.  I have changed a lot.  I am much different than I used to be.  I have learned to be honest, when I used to lie at the drop of a hat.  I have learned to forgive, but not to expect forgiveness in return.  I have learned to accept that I am not in control of the universe, God is.  I have learned that there is such a thing as unconditional love, and I am fortunate to both give and receive it.

The answer to my second question is simply, I don’t know.  I don’t know when or if there will ever be a reconciliation between me and my daughter no matter how long I am sober and how well I am doing.  I pray that there is…everyday I pray.  But I have to accept that if there is, it will be in God’s time not mine.  Until then, I can and do love my daughter without expectation and without condition.

Why do I feel like isolating sometimes?  Because I’m human, and sometimes humans need a break.  The difference between then and now is that I don’t let that feeling overwhelm me.  Sure, there are times that I choose to stay home, lie in bed and watch 5 episodes of Nurse Jackie in a row.   But I don’t do that often, and I don’t neglect my responsibilities to do it.  I’m really starting to understand that self-care doesn’t always mean doing what feels the best at the moment.  Sometimes it means doing the things you need to when you would rather be napping.

When it comes to turning my will over to God, I just don’t think that it’s an easy thing to do.  It’s hard…sometimes it feels downright impossible.  But now, I realize when I’m holding on to something that isn’t mine to control much faster than I used to.  I may have to remind myself a thousand times to give it to God, but at least I can recognize it, and keep trying.  I’m telling you, I think the 3rd step is the hardest.

I am an avoider by nature.  So it’s no wonder that when something difficult or upsetting comes along, I prefer to do the ostrich thing and just bury my head in the sand.  My first inclination is to avoid, then maybe whatever unpleasant thing it is will go away.  I know that doesn’t work.  And so, these days, even when my instinct is to avoid, I do my best to face things head-on.  It doesn’t always work, and sometimes I have false starts, but I’m better about it than I used to be.  And honestly, I don’t think that my first inclination is something huge to worry about.  It’s my first action or reaction that counts.  I may not have gotten to the point where my immediate thought is to be brave and face the situation, but I am at the point where I face them anyway, brave or not.

So, after 3 years in the program and 17 months sober, am I really where I should be in my recovery?  Hell, I don’t know.  I have no idea how to judge that.  Sometimes it feels like I am, and sometimes it feels like I’m not.  I know that the path I’m on now has gotten me much farther in the direction that I want to go, and each thing that I have gone through has served some purpose in getting me where I am now.   So as I think about all of the changes that I’ve gone through, I have come to one conclusion.  I may not always be where I think I should be, but I am always exactly where I need to be.

Where I Need To Be

 

 

 

 

 

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The Show Went On

I posted recently about a presentation I was scheduled to do at the college where I work about Alcohol Awareness Month.  I met with some resistance from my supervisor about including the fact that I am in recovery from alcoholism myself, in the presentation.  You can read the whole story here and here.   Well, last Wednesday, I gave the presentation, and I wanted to give you all an update to the saga.

First of all, my talk hit the three main objectives of the National Council on Alcohol and Drug Dependence’s Alcohol Awareness Month:  raising awareness, decreasing stigma, and presenting information about treatment.  I have to admit, wrong or right, that while my presentation included all three, it mostly focused on decreasing stigma about alcoholism.  The reason that I did that, of course, was because of how I was treated a couple of weeks ago by my supervisor when she told me that I should keep my recovery hidden.  If I’m honest, part of me wanted to debate the point with my supervisor, because I really thought that she was wrong in what she said to me, and she clearly needed to be schooled in what to think. Yep, I’m still an alcoholic, with alcoholic thinking.  But there was also a part of me that was really hoping that as I talked about the negative stereotypes of alcoholics, asking the students to join me in listing them, that my supervisor would come to her own realization that maybe her perception of alcoholics (especially those in recovery) wasn’t quite accurate.  I stressed the fact that alcoholism does not discriminate, and that most of its victims look just like you and me.  I stated the fact that I am in recovery from alcoholism at the beginning of my talk, and that was the reason that I was presenting on the topic…because it’s something that I know intimately and that I am passionate about.

On assembly day, we do two presentations, one for the morning students and one for the night students.  My first presentation went off without a hitch.  It was great!  I was nervous, as speaking in front of large groups is, most definitely, not my thing.   I spent some time praying before I had to “go on,”  asking God to give me the confidence to make it through the presentation without sounding as nervous as I felt, and to let those that needed to hear it have open ears.  Fortunately, my supervisor had told me the day before that she wouldn’t be there for the morning assembly.  That gave me some peace, because I knew that if I said something she didn’t like in the morning, she could easily pull me from the second assembly.  My campus director spoke first and then introduced me.  As I walked up in front of everyone, I felt calm, confident, and knowledgeable.  The students paid attention, answered questions when I asked them, seemed thoughtful, and laughed when I hoped they would.  When I was finished and turned it back over to my campus director, he said some really nice things about both me and the information that I shared.  IT WAS AWESOME!  I had some amazing responses after the assembly, including one student that immediately followed me into my office to talk.  I had some other discussions later with both staff and students; that made my anxiety all worth it.

The second presentation went fairly well, but not as great as the first.  Night students are a different breed (I knew this going in), in that they are not as attentive, most of them work during the day so they are tired and distracted, and there aren’t as many that know me personally.  I did still get some participation though, and I was happy for that.  I was much more anxious for the second talk for two reasons:  my supervisor would be there, and my campus director, my supporter, would not.  As I started the part of my talk that covered the stigma attached to alcoholism, I did my very best to not make eye contact with my supervisor, even though she was right in the front row and I felt like I was talking directly to her.  I made it through the presentation though, and again I had some really good feedback, and some conversations that proved that there was a need for some to hear what I had to say.

At the end of the day Wednesday, I was glad that it was over and I was pleased with myself that I stuck to my guns and talked about my own recovery.  I would’ve called that a success if the positive responses had ended there.

But then Thursday morning came….

I was working in my office when I saw my boss coming toward my door.  Here it comes, I thought.  She’s going to be angry with me for ignoring her advice (warning? directive? whatever you want to call it) about not revealing my own recovery.  She had a piece of paper in her hand and an envelope.  I immediately thought that it was going to be some kind of disciplinary write-up and that I was in trouble.  She came in and closed the door…bad sign.  I was starting to get my arguments in order mentally, my adrenaline was beginning to flow, and then she said it:  “Jami, I want to thank you for your presentation yesterday.  It was very informative, I learned some things, and you presented it well.  You could easily be an instructor here, you did so well.”  Wait…what?  I was so surprised to hear what she was saying that it took me too long to mumble a thank you.  She stood up, came around to my side of the desk and hugged me and gave me a Starbucks gift card to thank me.  Holy cow, I was dumbfounded!  This is not the scenario that had been playing in my head for the past week.  I was ready with my defense, but where was the offense I had expected?  It took me a minute to regroup, and to thank her properly.  And then we went on to talk shop about the upcoming start of classes.

My boss’ reaction to the presentation was a real shocker.  A very pleasant surprise.  I think that it was as close to a retraction of her previous statements as I am going to get, and I am over the moon about it!  I don’t know what her motivation for thanking me was; maybe she was told by our campus director to do it, or maybe she was just doing what she thought was the right thing to do.  But maybe, and this is what I am choosing to believe, she listened to what I had to say, kept an open mind and had a change of heart.  I really hope that’s the case.

Turning over my will

let-go

 

Step Three of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous says:

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.”

This week I am working on step three as I go through the steps with my sponsor.  I think that of all of the steps, this one is the hardest.  At least it is the one that requires the most effort on my part.  That’s because it’s really about giving up living in self-will, and instead, learning to live in God’s will.  For those of us that have struggled to always remain in control of everything, this is no easy task.

I lived a long time (40 years) before I ever heard about step three, and I spent most of that time trying really hard to be in control of things.  I spent a lot of energy trying to keep everything (including myself) together.  I thought at the time, that if I didn’t do that, then everything was going to fall apart.  So I worked, and struggled, and held on by my fingertips, trying to keep everything balanced and everyone happy.  The funny thing is, the harder I tried, the less I succeeded.  The more I tried to manipulate situations, relationships, and reality into what I wanted, the less control I had.  And all of that was when I was sober.  Once I started drinking alcoholically, I tried to control that too.  And we all know how that turned out!

The thing about living like that, in self-will, is that you can never make it work the way you want it to.  There is just way too much stuff that is out of our control.  There is a story in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous about the third step that talks about an actor who is trying to run the whole show.  If only everyone would do as he wants, then the show would be perfect.  He tries to control every aspect of the show – the lighting, the scenery, the other actors, the direction; and he does so with the best of intentions, he just wants the show to be perfect.  Well, the show doesn’t come off perfect as he wants it to, no matter how good his intentions are.  He is not in control…he’s just an actor in the show.  At the top of the page, in my own Big Book, I have written, “It is not the Jami show.”  I wrote that there to remind myself that I don’t get to run the show.  My show has a Director, one who has a perfect plan….even if it doesn’t match mine.  That’s where the rub is; when I know that there is a perfect plan, but it’s not the same thing that I had in mind.  That’s when it gets hard, and I have to remind myself repeatedly to let go, and trust God’s will.

So, as I think about the third step, as I have to do every single day, it’s not the fear of turning things over to God that gets me, it’s remembering to do it, because I pick up the same things that I have turned over time and time again.  I wrote a post last year about laying down my rock, giving up trying to control those things that are completely out of my control.  I wrote in that post that sometimes it helps me to go through the physical act of getting rid of something heavy and uncomfortable to tote around, in order to really understand the act of letting go.  I have to remember to lay down my rock, to let go, every single day.  I think that it’s human nature (or maybe it’s just my nature, I don’t know), to want to control situations.  When I remember to turn them over it really does make life easier.

These days, I am accepting of the fact that it’s not the Jami show.  I am accepting of the fact that God’s plan is better for me than my own.  I am accepting of the fact that I have to turn my will and my life over to the care of God.  And I am accepting of the fact that I will probably have to keep letting go of the same things over and over because I keep picking them up again.  I am okay with all of that because I know that I’m making progress.  And the name of the game is progress, not perfection.

 

500 days and counting….

I don’t really count sober days anymore, but today marks a milestone for me. 500 days sober! Woo Hoo! As I told one of my friends today, it’s a f*cking miracle!!

When I was actively drinking, I gave up or lost a lot of things.  Now that I have been sober for 500 days, I thought it would be good to think about the things I have lost or given up in sobriety.  Here’s my list:

 

In sobriety I no longer have …

…hangovers

…empty bottles hidden around my house that I have to worry about someone accidentally finding

…to try to piece together the events of the night before

…to check to see if my car is where it is supposed to be first thing in the morning

…to check to see if said car is all in one piece, with no body parts hanging off the front bumper

…mystery bruises

…to try to remember lies that I have told, and to keep “my story” straight

…half-cooked meals on my stove that I got too drunk to finish cooking

…panic attacks the morning after bingeing on booze

…to feel embarrassed about how I acted the night before

…to get into alcohol-induced, physical fights

…lost earrings, contact lenses and shoes from being too drunk to keep track of them

…fear, anger and anxiety about my drunken behavior

…shame and self-loathing because I’m an alcoholic

…unrealistic expectations of myself and others

…fair-weather friends

…to create more wreckage

…to worry about huhrting people with my bad behavior

…to put on masks and try to keep up appearances

…to be unhappy

…to give empty apologies

…to worry about killing myself or someone else while driving drunk

…to feel alone

…to want to die

 

This is not a complete list, by any means, I could go on, but this is a good start.  I know that we gain so much in sobriety, but I think that the things that we get rid of are every bit as important.   I am so happy and proud to be free of all of those things on my 500th day.  I hope and pray for another 500, and 500 after that, and 500 after that…  I will keep going one day at a time.

 

 

 

Update – Too smart, too young, and too pretty to be an alcoholic

Last week I wrote about a situation that happened at work that had me questioning how to handle the ignorance of my supervisor about alcoholism and recovery.  I wanted to give you, my fellow bloggers and friends, an update about the situation and let you know what I have decided to do.  But first, I just want to thank everyone that weighed in on the situation.  This is actually the first time in almost a year of writing this blog, that I have specifically asked for help with an issue that I was having, and I am awed and grateful at the outpouring of feedback and support that I have received.  Thank you all for your words of advice and encouragement.

After being told that when I do a presentation about alcoholism for Alcohol Awareness Month, I should hide my own recovery, I didn’t know what to do.  As I read everyone’s comments in response to my post, I felt that my position – that not talking about my own recovery would invalidate the whole purpose of the talk – was the right one.  The purpose of Alcohol Awareness Month is to increase awareness (duh) and to decrease the stigma that is associated with the label of “alcoholic.”  If I don’t speak about my own recovery, I will be doing a disservice to those that are listening.  That said, I do not want to directly disobey what my supervisor says.  I do need a job.

What I have decided to do is this:  I am going to make the main point of my presentation the stigma that is associated with alcoholism.  I am going to speak directly to the stereotypes and prejudices that people have about alcoholics and people in recovery.  I will work in my own recovery in the presentation, but I will not say the words, “I am an alcoholic.”  Hopefully, that will be enough to satisfy my supervisor, and I will not suffer any negative consequences.  And hopefully, she will have open ears to hear what I am saying about the stigma related to the disease of addiction.

I am happy to say that I have he support of the campus director, who is my supervisor’s boss.  I had a discussion with him about my conversation with my supervisor and while he told me that he hopes that I do not take her comments personally, he completely supported me in what I want to get across in my presentation.  He understands alcoholism and recovery.  Thank God for that.

The presentation is next week, I will let you all know how it goes.  Thank you all again, for your advice and encouragement.

Came to believe…

images

Step Two of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous says:

“Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

As I go through the steps again with my sponsor, I am currently working on step two.  This step asks us to consider two things:  1) trusting that there is something bigger and stronger out there than we are, and 2) that greater thing is able to do what we couldn’t – restore us to sanity.

I think that in reworking this step, I have really been able to see how far I have come.  When I first heard step two, my focus wasn’t on either of the points I listed above; it was on the fact that accepting this step meant that I was admitting that I was, in fact, insane.  Believe me, there was a time during my active drinking, when I preferred friends and family just think I was crazy as opposed to thinking that I was an alcoholic.  That explains why my first “stay” at any kind of treatment facility was at a psychiatric hospital.  It was easier to let everyone believe that I was having some sort of breakdown, than admit I was throwing back bottles and bottles of wine and vodka.  It was easier with the doctors too, as I didn’t tell them the truth about my drinking either.  Somehow, at the time, it seemed like insanity was the lesser of the two evils.

By the time I got to rehab, less than a month later, and had to consider step two, I really didn’t want to be considered crazy anymore.  I wanted, with everything in me, to get well.  I wanted to be sober and sane.  I knew that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable.  But now, the program was telling me that I was crazy and that I had to trust something greater than myself if I wanted that to change.  That was a really hard concept for me to swallow.  First of all, I wasn’t in the state of mind to be able to trust anyone. My family was bailing on me during my time of need (not that they were always there anyway, but if there was ever a time that I needed them, it was then); my boyfriend had dumped me while I was in the psych hospital; my friends weren’t really friends, they were either people I drank with or people who I never let see the real me.  I felt like I had no one, and they were telling me that I had to trust something, or someone, that I couldn’t even see.  Fat chance of that happening!  Or so I thought.

My first step two, although it was kind of a half-assed attempt at believing put me on the right path.  I knew, without a doubt, that I couldn’t get sober on my own.  If I had been able to do that, I would have stopped drinking a long time before ending up in treatment.  And I knew that people just like me had been able to get and stay sober; almost all of the employees at my rehab were in recovery themselves.  So what was the difference between them and me?  They had a Higher Power, and I was trying to do it all by myself.

What I found, when I was willing to walk the right path, was that heading in the right direction can lead to real faith.  I know that I didn’t “come to believe” all at once.  It was gradual and slow.  It took time.  I think my first real inclinations toward faith came when I thought about all of the past chaos and wreckage in my life.  Somehow, I had made it through all of that, no thanks to me.  Why, when I done all of the dangerous, self-harming things I had, was I even still alive?  How had I survived?  Clearly, it wasn’t my doing.  There had to be something out there that was doing it for me.

Over time, working the rest of the steps, listening to other alcoholics, and confronting my past and putting it to rest, I realized that I had “come to believe.”  I did have a Higher Power:  God, and He was taking care of me and giving me grace even when I didn’t want to see it.  The grace I had been given was evidence to me that God was working in my life, and all I had to do was trust in that.

So, this time as I worked my second step, I found it much different.  I no longer focus on the insanity part of the step.  As it says in the 12 and 12:

“Sanity is defined as “soundness of mind.” Yet no alcoholic, soberly analyzing his destructive behavior, whether the destruction fell on the dining-room furniture or his own moral fiber, can claim “soundness of mind” for himself.”

I did not have soundness of mind when I was actively drinking.  In sobriety, I think I do.  Well, most of the time anyway.

I also have faith this time around.  I know that it is God that deserves the glory for my 16+ months of sobriety.  I’ve done some hard, really hard, work, but without Him, I wouldn’t be where I am.  So as I take step two now, I am confident in saying that I have come to believe in a power greater than myself, and He has restored me to sanity.

 

 

Too smart, too young, and too pretty to be an alcoholic

Ok, my fellow bloggers, I am looking for your insight and advice about something that happened today.

April is Alcohol Awareness Month and I have been asked to speak about alcoholism at our school assembly later this month.  This will be my second year doing it.  The reason that I have been asked to do the presentation is because I am open about the fact that I am an alcoholic in recovery.  I had a very positive response to the talk that I gave last year.  Some students (and coworkers) felt comfortable enough afterward to come to my office and share how alcoholism affects their lives, to ask for help for a family member, or to talk about a problem that they were experiencing themselves.  I was able to recommend solutions in some cases, but mostly I was just someone to listen who they knew could relate.  I felt truly blessed to be able to offer my experience, strength, and hope to people that never would have approached me had they not known that I was an alcoholic.  It genuinely felt like I was doing 12th step work, and I loved it.

Cut to today.  My supervisor came to me to talk about my presentation (she is not the one that asked me to do it).  She is older, foreign born, and at times, kind of scary.  I have always managed to stay on her good side because I am a capable, reliable, and hard-working employee.  This morning she sat at my desk and after talking about work for a few minutes, proceeded to tell me that when I do my presentation she doesn’t want me to say that I am in recovery.  I said ok.  I think that if I say that I am in recovery, more people will listen and believe what I am telling them.  It gives me credibilty.  Otherwise, who cares if the registrar is blathering on about alcohol-related statistics.  Besides, my presentation in no way includes any part of my drunk-a-log, I don’t talk about any of my drunken behavior or negative consequences. But whatever, I agreed.  Then my supervisor went on to say that my alcoholism is something to be hidden.  Her exact words were, “Jami, you are too smart, too young, and too pretty to be an alcoholic.  This is something you need to hide.”  WTF???  That’s when I respectfully (it wasn’t easy) disagreed with her.  I told her that I didn’t think that alcoholism was something to hide and that it doesn’t discriminate;  it is not only hobos hopping trains that are alcoholics.  I went on to say that there are many alcoholics that are of above average intelligence, and that being smart in no way prevents a person from becoming an alcoholic.  We had a short, amiable discussion in which she stood her ground about alcoholism being shameful and deserving of being kept secret, and I stood my ground about the fact that people need more information and they need to see that there is hope in recovery.  I guess, without saying it, we have agreed to disagree.

Now I’m really put off though.  As I think about it more, I become more offended.  Her comments about hiding my disease were hurtful to me, making me feel like I should be ashamed of who I am.  That’s not cool.

So, what should I do?  In my mind (my alcoholic mind), I have three choices:  1) I can say “fuck it, find someone else to do the presentation”,  2) I can fail to bring the presentation up again and just say what I want when the time comes (I’m sure there would be consequences), or 3) I can do the presentation the way she wants me to and feel like I have given in.  I understand that right now I’m angry and hurt, and that my thinking is not completely rational.  That’s why I am looking for some advice.  What do you guys think?

 

 

 

 

Healthy Habit #4 – A Month of Kindness (and an update on Yoga)

 

Kindness

For 2014, I committed to starting some Healthy Habits.  So far, they have all been about me (there’s an alcoholic for you!), I’ve started daily prayer, meditation, and yoga.  But this month I am going to make my Healthy Habit about others.  I am going to practice kindness, each and every day.

Each month we have a student recognition assembly at the college where I work.  Besides giving out perfect attendance awards, and honor roll certificates, we have a short presentation on something that may be helpful to the students.  Last month, the topic of the short presentation was kindness.  A short video was shown about the power of kindness and how it benefits both the giver and the receiver.  That really got me to thinking so I did a little bit of research about the science of being kind.  I found that in addition to both of the parties involved in the acts of kindness, anyone that sees kindness in action also benefits.  I read this in an article in Psychology Today:

I have a friend who used to live in Pakistan, where he was an animal rights activist. One day, he was walking through his home city when he saw a crowd gathered around the stall of a bird seller. A man had bought some myna birds – a popular caged bird in Pakistan, because of their ability to mimic sounds – and was releasing them. One by one, he took them out of the cage, and let them fly free. In all, he bought 32 of the birds, just to set them free. 

My friend was amazed by this act of altruism, partly because – as he put it – ‘such acts of charity were not so common in my part of the world where people are not so kind to animals in general.’ But he was also amazed at his own reaction to the act. He was filled with a deep sense of peace. A strange quietness filled his surroundings, and he felt completely free of worry or anxiety. The sense of peace and joy remained with him for a few days, and, in his words, ‘I believe it is still there to some degree.’

Isn’t that awesome?  A simple act of kindness, and everybody wins!  It’s not just the man who bought the birds that gets to feel good for having done something kind, and it’s not just the birds that feel good flying free; everyone who was part of, or witness to the act, felt good.  I want to experience that.

So, my commitment for the month of April is to take opportunities to perform acts of kindness each day.  I’m not talking about just being nice to people, I think I already do that.  And I’m not talking about just giving gifts or things of monetary value.  I am talking about going out of my way to do something kind for someone every day.  I have a few ideas (not a whole month’s worth, though), but I am confident that the ideas I have will breed more as the month goes on.

My plan is to keep track of my acts of kindness as I journal each day, and I will report back to you all at the end of the month.

Be kind!

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Yoga Update:  Well, I wish I could say that my Healthy Habit for March was as successful as the first two of the year, but so far it hasn’t been.  I did well for the first couple of weeks, and I have to admit, I felt really great.  It seemed like my posture improved, I felt strong and healthy.  But then somewhere along the third week my yoga sessions became hit or miss.  Then, for the last week, whenever I said that I was going to do yoga, I seemed to find something else that was more important to do right at the moment.  Like sleep.  Or fold laundry.  Or read.  Ugh.

So yoga has not yet become a habit for me.  But I’m not giving up.  I did my yoga DVD tonight, and I am going to keep trying!