Well, I made it through Christmas. It has been a crazy month, with lots of ups and downs. I haven’t written for a while, partly because it’s been a busy month, partly because I haven’t felt like it. In the weeks leading up to Christmas, I suffered through some days of depression and self-pity. As you know, I am estranged from my family and typically the holidays are tough times for me. This one was no different when it comes to that. But in other ways it was different, better even, than the last few years.
Going into the season I expected to have some sad, reflective days and I thought that there would be times in which I was hard on myself, remembering and reliving the ugly moments when I was drunk and self-absorbed, wishing that I could go back and change them. Or, at the other end of the spectrum, remembering the happy holidays that I spent with my family. I was pleasantly surprised, though, that there weren’t as many of those thoughts popping up as I expected. While I found it hard to get into the Christmas spirit until a few days before, I didn’t spend nearly as much time and energy on negative thoughts as I suspected I would. And when the thoughts did come up, I was mostly able to just sit with them. I’m not saying that it was a completely pleasant experience, it wasn’t, believe me. But as they came up, it was more like watching a movie than being the actor in one. As the good memories of holidays past came up, I was able to smile and just remember without romanticizing and longing. I felt a sense of gratitude that I was able to experience good times with my family. Nothing can take those memories away from me. When the bad thoughts came up it wasn’t as easy to remain a member of the movie-watching audience, my nature is to jump in as the star of the show. But I was able to remind myself that those days have already happened and I can’t change their outcome, no matter how much I want to. That made it easier to handle. One thing I didn’t do is push the thoughts away. I know that when I try to do that, it works for a little while, but then it doesn’t. And when it stops working, the thoughts come back with such an overwhelming vengeance that I don’t have the capacity to handle them. It’s an ugly mess and I know that’s not good for me.
All of that said, we had a beautiful Christmas. It started very early – my stepson was up at 4:01 a.m. (I told him that anything before 4:00 a.m. was too early) to open presents and he was so excited. It was really nice to see Christmas through a child’s eyes again. Last year I got out of rehab a few days before Christmas, so we didn’t celebrate at all and I didn’t get to see him open any presents. We had a nice, lazy, lego-filled morning, eating the homemade cinnamon rolls I made, and then headed off for a nap. It was a relaxing day, I spent all of it in my pajamas, and I was happy.
Until the evening. That’s when sadness crept in. I miss my daughter. A lot. Even though I miss her every day, special days are harder to handle than the rest. I spent some time in bed crying and feeling down, remembering holidays in the past and wondering what her Christmas was like this year. I let the thoughts bounce around and I prayed, with fervor. My prayers are usually either quiet and thoughtful, or they are more like conversations that I have with God. The prayers I prayed on Christmas were passionate, emotional, demanding, almost aggressive (it’s ok though, God can handle my aggression). I don’t know what will happen, but I know that after I prayed that way, I felt better.
So here we are the day after. It was a nice holiday, but I’m glad that Christmas is over and I am looking forward to seeing what the new year brings. I hope that all who read this had a wonderful holiday, full of peace and love.