I made it through the week. I can’t even begin to explain how happy I am that it is the weekend. I love Friday nights because I know that I have two whole days ahead of me to do the things that I love – read, hang out with my husband and stepson, relax, watch the TV shows that I save all week (I call them “my stories”), take naps, visit with my sponsor and do step work, go to church and/or bible study – all of the things that there isn’t time for during the week. It’s a time for me to recharge physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Weekends are when I am able to do the things that bring me joy and feed my soul. It’s when I get to slow down and take care of me.
I sure haven’t always felt this way. It’s crazy because, for the most part, I used to dread the weekends. I think I started to dislike the weekends when I started drinking alcoholically. At that time, I knew that I had a problem with booze, but I couldn’t stop drinking no matter what I tried. So the weekends, when I didn’t have the responsibility, and distraction, of going to work, would end up being just awful. I would start out trying not to drink, but knowing that I would. I would eventually get blackout drunk, do dumb and dangerous things, sleep fitfully, and wake up to go through the whole ordeal again. I was constantly thinking about drinking, planning how to drink without getting caught, actually drunk off my ass, or trying to recover. It was absolute hell. So Monday coming around was a little bit of a reprieve. I knew that I had to go to work, and I had to act like I had it together. It allowed me to distract myself from the mess that was my life.
When I first got sober, I still hated the weekends. Again, I had no distraction, so I had plenty of time to wallow in self-pity, guilt and shame. I had way too much time to think. And way too much time to feel all of those emotions I drank to get away from. I was still so happy when Monday came around and I could go to work and pretend that everything was okay, that I was loving sobriety, when, in reality, I wasn’t.
I’m not sure when exactly my aversion to weekends turned around. I think it happened gradually. Of course, it didn’t hurt that I met Austin and had someone to spend time with. But I really think that the shift happened when I began to have a heart change about taking care of myself and letting go of the past. Until I accepted my past for what it was, and truly believed that I, with God’s help, never had to go back to that way of living, I couldn’t be alone with my thoughts and feelings.
Now, I look forward to the weekends. I know that I will have time to just be still and to stay present. I don’t have to deal with the hectic pace of my job, I don’t have to feel like I have to constantly be doing something productive. I can just be, and that’s a pretty awesome feeling.
I’m off to start my weekend. I hope you enjoy yours!